Akatsuki Restaurant
by Tyhir
Summary: Between tempered, foul-mouthed, vindictive waiters and oblivious, indecisive, drunk clients one can only expect trouble, Crackfic!


"Welcome to Akatsuki! Table for how many, hm?"

"Three, please." Answered Temari, a hand raising with three fingers to emphasize her statement.

The smiling blonde nodded and welcomed them with an inviting hand into the marvel of the Akatsuki restaurant, taking the lead with a few menus in hand, his silence allowing the Sand Siblings to look at their surroundings with fascination, taking into notice the glass walls, fancy carpet of black with red cloud prints and monuments of gem and silver before Deidara introduced them to their tables, the cutlery and napkins were neatly done and decorated with flowers and candles.

"Your waiter will be with you in a minute, hm. Have a pleasant evening!"

"Thank you." Answered Temari politely before she flipped the menu open.

Kankuro waited till Deidara was back to his post by the entrance to shoot his sister a dubious glance. "That chick's voice was really deep."

"That was a man, Kankuro." Kankuro's face turned serious for a few moments before his demeanor broke with a loud snicker.

"Good one Temari, I almost fell for it."

Gaara didn't say anything but a perfect red eye-brow rose and Temari face palmed. Her brother was beyond hopelessness.

* * *

Akatsuki restaurant had become successful throughout the months; with the perfect mix of beautiful, handsome, efficient waiters and amazing cooks, and enchanting blue haired manager it had blossomed into a promising line and Pein was proud to say that the future looked even brighter. It was a small installment, large enough to have about thirty customers and spaced enough to enjoy the privacy of conversation yet not feel isolated. There was only one problem. And it had a name.

Hidan repeatedly tapped his pen against his notepad, his temper slipping dangerously fast out of his hands while purple eyes glared holes on his customers' foreheads with irritation. The man was a regular, he was a nice elderly fellow but by_ Jashin_ was he slow as a tortoise and snail together and indecisive as a woman.

"Would you recommend the Beef Stroganoff or Beef Wellington?" Asked the man, oblivious to the dangerous state of mind of his tenant.

"They are both beef," The zealot answered in a snappy manner. "Juicy, fresh and tasty beef. One has sour cream the other truffles."

"Oh," He answered ambiguously and his eyes skimmed the newspaper. "What about the Ortolan dish?"

"Its-"

"I think I'll go for a Caprese Salad?"

_Finally_! "Ok-"

"No, no, no, change that. Should I go for the Calamari or the Fish and Chips? Mm, maybe Lasagna. Would you recommend the Tomato Cream? "

Hidan gritted his teeth so hard he thought he'd snapped something. He had been standing here for the past thirty minutes for the older man to decide what he wanted. Hiruzen was his name, or something along the lines, Hidan couldn't care less. If it were up to him he would sacrifice the damn elderly to Jashin.

Only, Pein would kill him in a ten thousand million ways, or worse_..._ _fire him_.

Hidan shuddered at the thought.

Kisame looked from afar at the albino, lazily leaning on the bar with a hand holding his head up while a bemused, knowing grin spread on his face, soon Kakuzu joined his side, resting back against the counter, propping himself on his elbows and a glint of mischief on his exotic eyes that Kisame didn't miss.

"You bastard, you guided him to Hidan's area on purpose."Accused Kisame.

"That's what the sly bastard gets for defiling the bar."

"He- what?"

"Leader didn't tell you?" Asked Kakuzu in honest surprise. "Bastard brought that pretty girl from St. Patrick's party in here, drank all of our liquor, ate most of our food on her and banged the hell out of her on this very counter. You should have seen his face when I caught them, ha!"

Kisame blinked repeatedly. His eyes steal a glance at the counter and he jerks back away from it in repulsion. "Aw shit! I eat my meals here, Disgusting!"

"What is disgusting, Kisame-san?" Tobi's merry voice cuts in.

"Nothing, Tobi. You shouldn't ease drop on people like that, it's not polite. Now be a good boy and attend those three over there." Kisame encouraged and patted Tobi on the back before the kid made an cheery yelp and hopped his way over to his directed location. Kisame's fake smile faded when he made sure Tobi was far from hearing reach and locked onto Kakuzu's, his expression dark and voice monotone. "You did make sure to clean everything."

Kakuzu grinned. "I made him bleach the _shit_ out of it."

Kisame allowed himself to slump in relief. "Good."

The comfortable, silent mood of the restaurant was broken at the whim of a usual loud Jashinist.

"The fuck are you fucking on about? It's just food not a life changing decision for Jashin's sakes!" Hidan exploded, the man looked at him with wide eyes. "One dish, just one fucking dish, is it that hard? ONE _FUCKING_ DISH! Chose now or I swear to Jashin I am going to shove this menu so far up your arse you will have something to be sure of!"

"HIDAN!" Called Pein with authority, his voice resonating throughout the whole Akatsuki. At the acknowledgement of his name Hidan jerked, snapped his mouth shut and shoulders rose defensively, and sheepishly looked over his shoulder to meet his boss's killing glare, a hand raising with an index finger signaling him over.

"Fucking hell, I'm gonna get it." Muttered Hidan low to himself, looking at his co-workers for reassurance only to find that neither met his glare. He grudgingly turned and strode across the restaurant, eyes on the floor, rising momentarily to look at his leader with 'puppy eyes' and enter the room when permitted.

The silence on the restaurant ceased after the sound of the door closed and chit-chat rose once again.

"When will Leader _ever_ fire him?" Kakuzu whined in dismay.

"Never." Konan said as she strode by with four women following close behind. Kakuzu hunched in disappointment.

Hidan might be loud, obnoxious and rude but he was efficient and good at his job, and when in a good mood made them gain as much as Deidara and Itachi together did in one night, which was a lot. He was also a lady-killer, literary and metaphorically. Thus, why Konan made sure to put a poster outside their door reading; "Ladies Beware the Albino".

"What does it take!?" Kakuzu questioned humanity, and Kisame scoffed and shook his head.

"Ne, stop trying to screw Hidan over, Karma will bite you in the ass." Kisame advised but the odd animosity between Hidan and Kakuzu was beyond repair.

* * *

Tobi reached the table of three people and granted them the widest smile he could give. "Hello, my name is Tobi and I will be your waiter tonight. Would you like anything to drink?"

"Yes. I'll have a coke, please." Answered Temari before she points at the quiet Gaara with a nod. "He will have a glass of water."

Kankuro leaned back on his chair, arms behind his head and cocky grin. "Bring me the best beer you have."

Temari snorted and Kankuro stuck his tongue out in her direction.

"I'll need to ID you for that." Tobi informed politely and Kankuro arrogant expression changed into one of shock as he immediately started touching himself up and with a smirk of victory pulled out a petite crimson red book; a passport with the words 'Sunagakure' inscribed on the front page. Tobi tok the book and flipped through the pages until he found the picture, he stared at the paper for a long moment before looking at Kankuro.

"Is there a problem?" He asked.

"Tobi can't recognize you... not with all that make-up and clothing on..."

"It's not make-up, its face-paint; there's a difference!" Kankuro indignantly. If there was a difference, Tobi wouldn't have found it. Temari rolled her eyes and leaned over the table to snatch Kankuro's hood. He whined in protest but it solved the problem as Tobi handed back the passport and readied his pen.

He thought quickly of the list of beers they have. "Well, we have Guiness, Harp, Dos Equis, Heineken, Corona-"

"Which one is the manliest?"

Tobi recoiled, he was treading on unknown territory but he knew someone who was an expert on it."Uh, I'll get back to you on that one. Excuse me." In moments he was at the bar. "Kisame-san, what is your manliest beer?"

Kisame snorted loudly but gave the answer right away. "Guiness, hands down. So manly it makes your chest hair grow out."

"Really?"

"No, of course not, you dummy. It's just a saying, some wish it were true though. Why, whose asking? Don't tell me its the little wimp over there. What, he's trying to impress that fine lady-friend of his?" His eyes racked Temari up and down and he nodded in approval. Konan walked by and slammed the dessert menu flat on his head, knocking out any impure thoughts.

"Ow!"

"Perv." Mussed the blue haired woman under her breath.

Tobi shrugged, unaware of Konan's assault. "Tobi thinks so. Though, Tobi can't really tell."

Kisame mentally slapped himself on the head, of course Tobi couldn't tell. He was one of the most asexual members of Akatsuki, after Sasori that is. Thus decided to return on the matter at hand. "Guiness will do the job."

"Okay! Thank you, Kisame-san." Thanked Tobi and was off on his way to the Sand Siblings. "Guiness is our strongest, manliest beer."

"Then bring me that one." Kankuro demanded, puffing his chest out; when spotting his sister's threatening glare he mumbled a faint "Please."

Temari rose her hand confidently, eyes giving the menu one last check before she met Tobi's copper eyes. "Also, may we order already?"

"Absolutely!" Chirped the young man.

* * *

Hidan walked out of Pein's office with a long face and shoulders hunching down and continued on his self-indulged walk of shame until he reached Kisame's counter. Kisame pulled the tab and filled the cup to the hilt before slashing the mounted foam on a cork and placed the drink on a tray where a water and coke waited. Tobi picked it up fast, landed the order and went to the next table.

"Why the long face?" Kisame asked, not sure if he should feel sorry or glad for Pein being the only one to put limits to Hidan's unorthodox rebelliousness and self-rightness.

"Leader told me to behave or kick the bucket." Groaned Hidan.

"What did I miss?" Kakuzu intruded, a tad bit too cheerfully. "Did you finally get fired?"

"What do you mean _finally_?"

Kakuzu's joy dropped and he waved his partner's question off with an ambiguous "Nothing, nothing."

Hidan narrowed his eyes and his lip curled into a scowl. "You'd like that would't you."

"Yes." Kakuzu answered flatly.

"Why you little-" There was a loud cough cough behind him and Hidan it his words back and forced a grin on his face. "-lovely rag-doll."

"Hidan, tend the women on table 13, hm."

"But that's Itachi's zone!"

"He's having a handful with one of his tables, cover that one for him, hm!" Deidara called out, when he got no reply he repeated his demand. "Move it, hm!"

"Yeah, yeah. I heard ya, Barbie." Hidan called, his bad-mood disappearing in a_ poof_ when his eyes landed on the four beautiful women waiting to be taken care of, and boy was Hidan more than ready to show them how a man should care for them.

Kakuzu frowned in confusion at Hidan's sudden change in speech until he finally spotted the spiky haired orange man burning holes on Hidan's back. It was the same expression Pein had granted Orochimaru on the night he'd made him kick the bucket.

Still, Kakuzu needed to be reassured. "What was that about?"

"Oh, either Hidan keeps it cool or he's out." Explained Kisame.

The frown on Kakuzu's brow ceased and he couldn't help a deep, malicious chuckle resonating from deep within his chest. Maybe this was the day when he would finally rid himself of Hidan once and for all.

* * *

Hidan was beside the table in moments, hand running through his silver locks and giving them a sensual whip before he meet each of the ladies eyes and his eyebrows wiggled in a manner he thought was sensual.

"Hellow ladies, name's Hidan, but you can call me_ Genie_ as I'll make sure to make your dreams come true." He turned to look at the blonde and winked at her coquettishly. The blond checks him out and offers a smirk, a good sign. Unfortunately, her friends didn't react as positively as the pink-haired girl gave him a repulsed expressions, the brunette had her eyes so wide open and face such a dark color Hidan wondered if she was going to faint, while the pearl-eyed girl was oblivious to Hidan's dirty implication.

Before he could continue on to ask the fine women what they'd have to drink his attention was drawn by an offensive loud metallic clank, and being the nosy bastard he was he immediately turned towards mischief's way.

"You are seeing that bitch, aren't you?! I knew it!" Demanded a woman with vivid red hair and large glasses, her companion-a man of white hair and purple eyes- sitting on the opposite side of the table attempted to calm her down but his actions had the complete opposite effect. "Don't you shush me now you stinking bastard, you think I don't smell her perfume on you! Who is it, huh? Who?"

"Karin, for the sake of all that is holy, sit down and lower your voice. And what woman? There is no other woman, you crazy bitch."

Kisame listened to the fight and clicked his tongue in disapproval at the last words. "Nuh-uh, bad move."

Itachi continued to serve the heated arguing couple with surprising ease, a hardened expression on his face and solid lack of curiosity or care for any other human.

"Who are you calling you disgusting, perverted, cheating, double faced, idiotic bastard?! Do you think I did not see you and her outside our apartment?"

"Who-"

"Don't try to play innocent or come with excuses!"

"But-"

"No! I know you and this...Kasui have been seeing each other!"

"You can't possibly be talking about _**HER,**_" Suigetsu said mortified. "Karin...she's my aunt! Seriously! I knew you were the jealous type but come fucking ON! Who are you going to get jealous about next? Okasan?!"

"You're seeing another one!? You player!"

Within a blink of an eye grabbed her half-full glass and threw its contents grudgingly at her husbands face, hitting him hard in the face. Itachi gracefully picked up the plates from the furious woman and ceremoniously dodged the splash of water coming from Suigetsu's side. Not an ounce of water touched his perfect Uchiha skin.

Karin growled in frustration and stomped her way out of the restaurant. Suigestu remained frozen on his chair, the weight of his actions dawning on him and within moments he pulled out his wallet and left the money before he was striding after his enraged wife.

Deidara and Konan followed them with their eyes and meet each other's gaze.

"Totally whipped, hm."

"Couples these days... can't keep their shit together." Hidan commented non-nonchalantly, eyes flickering coquettishly to the woman with long blonde hair.

"And you do?" Ino played with her hair and gave him a little smile. Hidan stared at her cheekily, making sure she was up for the challenge and was pleasantly surprised to find that the attraction was mutual.

"Of course I don't." He answers cheekily.

Their outraging flirting session was interrupted by a cough on the side. Hidan remembered he was still at work thus he gave one last look at Ino in a 'We'll carry this on later' manner before he flipped his pen and paper out and gave out his most charming smile.

"So, what can I get you, ladies?"

* * *

Tobi walked down the corridor and slammed the door open to reveal the isolated kitchen room. "Two Chicken Spaghetti for Table 9, one Beef Wrap and Filet Mignon for Table 12, and one Durian, one Ortolan and a Steak, medium for Table 7, please Peins-sempais!"

The Peins looked at Tobi in acknowledgement under their large mushroom hats and returned to work while Sasori monitored them while his puppets packed the take-away foods and left through the back door to deliver. Tobi gave them all a big thumbs up and left the kitchen with a cheery smile.

Kisame gave a loud sigh as the hyper Tobi dashed by without a care in the world and Konan joined him in his questionable misery.

"He's at it again. Seriously, will he ever give up?" Was all Kisame stated and Konan's eyes darted to Hidan, however she soon realized that Hidan was doing anything too bad thus concluded this was not the origin of Kisame's mood and thus scanned the room quickly before her eyes landed on the suspect; Kakuzu.

There was no stopping the man.

Hidan was done noting the woman's orders when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Eh?" Drowsily mumbled Hidan as he recognized the owner of the voice. "Jashin-sama has blessed me! If it is the one and only, Kuzu-kun." He chirped in a bubbly manner while a vein popped out of Kakuzu's forehead. "What's up, old man?"

"I've got to make a run to the bathroom but there's a client waiting on me, so I was wondering if you could take her order for me." Timidly muttered Kakuzu and pointed at the client with a move of the head.

Hidan gave it a thought and looked over his co-worker's shoulder to examine the elderly, massive breasted woman sitting on the single table on the far corner. He knew her, he had seen her plenty of times around, she normally was placed on Kakuzu's area so the albino never got the chance to get close to her. Hidan's gaze lingered longer than he should have, only Kakuzu's burning eyes make him blabber a coherent answer.

"Ya, sure man." Kakuzu was drawn back by Hidan's uncharacteristic response. When was Hidan ever nice? Now Kakuzu wondered if he was nice to Hidan the Jashinist might as well be a nice person, maybe... their rivalry had been his fault all along. If he hadn't been so violent and short-tempered maybe they'd be great buddies, enjoyed a few beers in the aftermath of work, cracked up at each other's jokes, have had secret best friend handshakes... Then Hidan spoke again. "You fucking owe me, get your bladder's shit together, old dick."

There, now Kakuzu remembered why he wanted the albino gone so badly. All sense of remorse and guilt smothered.

Hidan wandered to the woman, just now taking notice of the several bottles of sake on the table and her slurred demeanor. "Um... you alive there, lady?" He leaned closer and tapped her shoulder before dashing back a safe distance. No reaction. He slowly crept to her side and began cleaning up when she suddenly sat up and hit him in the nose.

"About time you got back, you slacker!" The woman slurred at him, alcohol glazed eyes eyeing him critically. "Bring me more, sake!"

"Why is it always my face!" Choked Hidan as he held his nose with agony. "Watch how you use that thick, hard head of yours, old woman!"

"Old woman?" She seethed. "Watch who you are calling an old woman! Bah, whatever, just bring me more sake, I've been waiting for one of ye to come by."

"Don't you think you've had a fuck-load to many?"

"Nope."

"You sure?"

"Yup."

"You should check again."

"Nuh-uh."

"Stop being such a pain in the ass! That is my job!" Growled Hidan accusingly. "Your job is to pay me, and you'd better leave a nice tip for all the horseshit you put me through tonight, and get the hell out of my restaurant." He heard a slight cough behind him and Hidan winced. "Our restaurant...please."

"Tsk, make me." Something inside Hidan triggered and he had the sudden urge to curse the woman back, forward and inside out and maybe sacrifice her to Jashin. Pein, as if reading his mind, shook his head vehemently. Hidan bit his lip and puffed his cheeks to stop any obscenities from blowing out.

"Are you going to get my drink or stand about looking like a moron?" She asked and lifted her bottle in victory. "Because I'm not done."

Hidan rolled his eyes and sighed in defeat. "Fuck it." He mumbled uncaring, if she ended up getting all drunk and puking it would be her damn fault. "So, another bottle of sake?"

Maybe he'd convinced Sasori to 'accidentally' drop some of his poison in it.

* * *

"Here you go, mister. The manliest beer we have!" Tobi chirped and Kankuro took the beer in his hands with utter adoration and didn't take long to taste it. Here is when Tobi sneakily leaned over and whispered. "So manly it apparently makes your chest hair grow out, Tobi is sure your date will be pleasantly impressed!"

Kankuro quirked his eyebrows. "My date?"

Tobi nodded and discretely looked at Temari who was busy taking a sip of her coke.

Kankuro, having finally connected the dots together, spluttered the beer all over his face and coughed blatantly, his cheeks turning a bright red. "That's my sister!"

"Oh..." Tobi grabbed his face, feeling the heat of embarrasment taint his cheeks. "Tobi's sorry... Tobi-Tobi's going to walk away...NOW!"

Alerted by the commotion, Temari questioned the state of distress of her brother only to have the other neglect to speak and busied his mouth with shoving the drink down his throat to forget the past traumatizing 30 seconds of his life.

* * *

Hidan froze. This turn of events had been uncalled for, absolutely unexpected. To say he was shocked was an understatement, to say he was flattered was an overstatement, not really. His eyes slowly drifted to meet Tsunade's, her lips twitched into a smirk and her eyebrows wiggling tentatively.

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"I don't know if you noticed but... that's my ass you're touching, lady."

"Yeah."

"YEAH?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah..." Hidan didn't move, he wasn't really sure how to react in this sort of situation. To be honest he felt sort of molested. He was the one meant to do the touching and molestation, to be on the other side of the spectrum seemed extremely ironic to him. The way Tsunade was smiling at him and the way she reeked of alcohol gave him the hint that he should be careful with his actions; everyone knew of the Hokage's punch of fury, and Hidan wasn't willing to experience it today. "So, uh... you touch waiter's ass's often?"

"From time to time... hic."

"I see..." He looked sideways to see if anyone had noticed and he found himself making eye-contact with Itachi. He made a face of 'Save my ass! LITERARY!' when the raven didn't react he began doing subtle hand movements that grew more desperate and obvious with every passing second.

"What are you doing?" She asked and Hidan ceased his actions and forced out a smile. It's not that Tsunade was ugly, in any way truth be told, but Hidan was never too high and big on taking advantage of intoxicated women, despite what rumors made him out to be; He was a charmer, not a rapist. "You've got a nice bottom...hic."

"I know!" Hidan said with pride before adding spitefully. "But you don't need to know that!"

He tried swatting the woman's hand away but found that she had taken a nice, hard grip and he had to grab her wrist in one harsh hold and tried pulling it away, failing miserable.

"Hidan, what are you doing?" Hidan felt his blood freeze as he looked over and found Pein glaring daggers at him. He knew how he must have looked, holding on the intoxicated woman's wrists which was no-con-sensually on his rear.

"It's not what it looks like! _She_ was molesting _me_!"

"Oh really?" He wasn't convinced one ounce.

"I know right!?" Hidan argued. "But I'm not kidding! For once, I can honestly say I was not 'molesting' a female client!"

"Zetsu." Pein ordered and the plant that was closest to Hidan shuffled and the plant man made his appearance known. Hidan yelped when he realized the plant next to him was not a mere plant but Zetsu. "Is it true what he says?"

"Yes.** No**." They snickered playfully and Pein narrowed his eyes dangerously. "Yes."

"Thank you." Pein replied sharply before he turned to Hidan. "You with me."

"WHY?"

"Or you'd rather stay there?"

Hidan didn't have to think twice to dash off the table and be at Pein's side. He made the mistake of looking over his shoulder to see Tsunade mouthing 'Call me' and Hidan turned his head around immediately and erased that image of his mind for eternity.

_Jashin-sama, why the hell did you create these insane temptresses! _

* * *

At the end of the day, Tsunade was taken home by Jiraya, or well, he tried to thus as soon as they were out of the building Tsunade punched him into seventh hell. Everyone speculated he had made a move.

Kankuro for one was so drunk he ended up approaching Sakura, every time he exchanged looks with Temari he shuddered for reasons that would remain unknown to her for eternity.

Deidara staid behind and waited for his roommate, Sasori, to finish before the two headed home in an heated argument in which Tobi had to put a stop between the two artists and Kisame claimed they all went bitch-hunting. No arguments raised from there on, though Tobi's 'Beach-hunting' lead him to a few surprises here and there. The next day, Tobi woke up with a wedding ring on. His bride a secret he set out to unveil.

Hidan at the end of his shift came out to find the pleasant surprise of Ino waiting for him. And with a large grin from cheek to cheek he walked up to her and took off with her, and the next day the Jashinist showed up a total wreck, carrying an even more smug smirk. From there on, he came out of work to find her waiting for him with that annoyed scowl on her face he loved and with a kiss he swiped it away.

Despite the chaos and havoc, everyone always came back to enjoy the delicacies and the odd experiences at Akatsuki. It came to a point where Hidan's foul-mouth, Tobi's obnoxious obliviousness, Kakuzo's temper, Deidara's explosions, Sasori's puppet and Itachi's stone-like demeanor became part of the show. Pein might have seen flaws in several aspects of his restaurant, might get unstoppable headaches by several of his crew, especially Hidan and Deidara, but like hell would he give the place and the people up.

This was their second home, their haven, and more importantly, where all his investments had gone to.

Konan turned the key and shook the lock vigorously, before she cuddled up to Pein's side, their hands bumping into each other softly before Konan wrapped her warm fingers around his palm and meet his gaze with a smile. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah." He kissed her forehead and the two turned their back to their building and walked down the lane. "We might want to hurry, I may have forgotten to feed Nagato."

"Pein!" Scoffed Konan with disbelief and Pein rises his hands as if pledging innocence. Konan sighed and punched him playfully in the rib. "You're unbelievable."

And they continue down their path, their business locked down for the night and waiting to be opened in a few hours and sustain the madness of the Akatsuki.

This kept up for months, then months turned to years and through all those seasons the crew stood by one another on the good and hard times until age led them astray and the business got passed down to younger hands, and when their time was up they did the same, and so on and so on till it reached the point where no one wanted to hold responsibility for it.

Thus, the end of Akatsuki restaurant finally came.

And despite all those years gone by, not once did Kakuzu stop trying to get Hidan fired.

* * *

**Well, I have no idea where that happy-sappy ending came from lol but I hope you enjoyed it! Much love to those who review! :) Indulge me with your thoughts! :D**


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